


A Song of Wolves and Whining

by orphan_account



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Complete crack, Daenerys has a magical pussy, F/M, M/M, Rickon is alive, Rough Oral Sex, Satire
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-30
Updated: 2017-05-10
Packaged: 2018-10-25 17:15:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 3,718
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10768800
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: The White Walkers have been defeated and Jon Snow has to make a decision. He's always wanted to leave the North, and Daenerys is giving him that chance.The time has come for Jon Snow to go South and become Jon Targaryen, finally fulfilling his lifelong dream of becoming Queen of Westeros.inspired by this prompt





	1. A Song of Ice and Fire

 

Daenerys: It’s my birthright. And yours to, sort of, sometimes, when it’s convenient for you to be a Targaryen and not a Stark.

Jon: I know! That was the point of our political marriage. To help you achieve all of your dreams. I didn’t want to ask the Wildlings to help save my brother and childhood home, but our love is so epic and pure I will kill them all to get you that throne.

Daenerys: Together we will be the Queens of Westeros.

Jon: Won’t I be King?

Daenerys: Why should you be King when I’m a Queen? Do you think you’re better than me? I’m a feminist icon. I freed slaves. The Iron Born no longer rape or steal because I told them to! Have you seen my dragons? What have you ever done?

Jon: *thinks back to how he saved the world from imminent doom* *is distracted by Daenerys’ perfect, intricately braided white hair and righteousness*

Daenerys: *nods head in approval* That’s right. Nothing. And we all know you’ve always wanted to go South.

Jon: I truly hate the North. That’s why I signed up to go live at an ice wall!

Daenerys: It must have been so hard for you.

Jon: The biggest struggle was that there wasn’t anyone of equal hotness around until you showed up.

Daenerys: Equal??

Jon: superior hotness.

Daenerys: And we will take what is mine – ours – with fire and blood. We will break the wheel, we will kill everyone who does not have a place in our endgame –

Jon: like Theon, he lost the north for Robb and triggered wars that bled my home dry –

Daenerys: Ugh. You’re just a man. So stupid. So ignorant. Do you even hear yourself? We’ll kill the Starks, of course. We don’t want them meddling with our future. You’re to be my Queen.

Jon: Of course, I was so foolish, how could I not see it, losing everything I love and have ever wanted, well it would make our love so much more epic. How could I ever leave you? Shall we set Ghost on them? He can rip o –

Daenerys: Wolves are stupid. You’re a dragon now. It’s a song of ice and fire you imbecile, not wolves and whining.

Jon: Ok

Daenerys: Good boy. Everyone else kinkshames you for not wanting to have any power or be Lord of Winterfell and shit like that. But I see you for you. A genuinely good guy. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with wanting me to dominate you and giving up of your control.

Jon: you truly make me a better man. I’ve been riddled with toxic masculinity all these years. Whereas you… *sheds a tear* you….

Daenerys: spit it out. A Khaleesi doesn’t have all day. I have people to burn alive.

Jon: Well, you’re just the paragon of goodness and perfection. There’s a reason millions love you. You freed the slaves! You had the good sense to have dragon skills and hatch your perfectly behaved angels – my stepchildren who I love more than I ever thought possible to love anyone! You’re just so much better than that whiny bitch Sansa.

Daenerys: I know, right? *snaps her fingers to summon Jorah*

Jorah: *head bowed* yes, Khaleesi?

Daenerys: Charter me a boat. I’m feeling frisky.


	2. Family Meeting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is written by Steila, but I copy-pasted it, so that's why it says chapter by Lemoncake_Chioni...

They were called into Mother’s old solar after supper for an audience with Sansa.  
If Bran had an inkling of what that meeting would be about, he did not share his inkling with Arya when he met her at the door with Nymeria by her side.

They walked together into the room and he was placed in a chair on Sansa’s left.  
Arya took a seat across from them and the direwolves curled up next to each other near the hearth. His brother Rickon was playing with Shaggy next to Arya.

  
“So we come to it.” Sansa breathed, her face taking on a faraway expression. “Our cousin Jon has decided to start a campaign to become Queen of Westeros with the Dragon Queen.”

  
Bran shook his head. Even in his worst nightmares he never imagined that a time would come when one of them would wish to leave after everything they had been through.

“That’s stupid! Why would he pick dragons over us?” Arya snapped, startling Shaggydog.

“He is raising an army to march south to take on his new title as Queen of Westeros. The war is over and now he doesn’t need Winterhell anymore.” Sansa breathed.

  
“We cannot let him do that.”

  
“They are calling it the Song of Ice and Fire, a time of Dragon Queens.”

  
“Hang dragons and the Iron Throne. Jon is a son of the North. The blood of Winterfell. We all fought together to save our home so we can live together. That woman got him under some dragon spells. It has to be something like magic…something bad.”

  
“Or it could be a time for wolves” he said then he heard the direwolves whining in unison as they sensed the growing tension in the room.

  
“You mean a time for wolves and whining?” Arya mused but her eyes was already sparkling with an idea that Bran knew would be deadly to Jon’s endeavours.

  
“We need to stop him. We have to do it for his own sake.” The corner of Sansa’s mouth moved up in a humorous smirk.

Bran stared at her and shook his head. If his visions were true, then Sansa wasn’t motivated by altruism, it was something else that he refused to contemplate.

  
“First we need to make him so sick of the South that he would never wish to go there. Did you ever tell him of the things that happened to you when you were there?” Arya suggested.

“Not everything.” She murmured.

  
“And we all know how he is protective of you, maybe we should start there.” He said.

Bran stared at the direwolves, willing their minds to open to him. “ Ghost, Shaggy, Nymeria…I want you to go into Jon’s study and destroy everything in there. Do not hesitate to pee on every surface.”

  
“ Wait…why are you doing that?” Arya asked with humour in her voice.

  
“ What would be a Queen without her plans and travelling party?”


	3. Queen You Shall Be

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sansa suspects Jons doesn't realize what being a Queen entails...

“Come in,” Jon’s voice sounded through the heavy wooden door.

Sansa pushed it open and saw him sitting at the desk, seemingly distracted. He glanced up at her. “Sansa.”

“Jon,” she answered, straightening her shoulders. “So, I’ve heard you’re to be Queen of the Seven Kingdoms.”

Something flashed in his eyes in response to her tone. “Sansa,” he whispered again.

“Please, don’t, Jon. Is it true?”

He briefly closed his eyes and rose to his feet, turning away from her as he pinched the bridge of his nose. “Aye, that’s the plan.”

Sansa smoothed out her skirts and forced herself to stay calm. “Jon… There are some things about being Queen in the South I haven’t told you yet and… I know this might be difficult, but I think you have a right to know.”

He faced her again, lifting an eyebrow as he clenched and unclenched his swordhand, but didn’t move away from the window. _I’ve caught your attention, good_. “After all, Jon, you’ve never been South before-

He opened his mouth to object, but Sansa held out a palm. “No, I know you went there a while ago, but it’s not the same. I lived there for years, do you remember?”

He only gave a curt nod in response.

She folded her hands in front of her stomach and took a deep breath. “If you want to be Queen of Westeros, Jon, you’ll have to start wearing silks.”

“I know it’s tradition, but surely-

She slowly walked to stand beside him by the window.

“I’m afraid not, Jon. As Queen, your clothing is an important expression of your status and power. You can’t keep running around in wool and leathers. The nobles would question your ability to take care of your people, if you can’t even take care of yourself.”

She heard a low whine and looked around for the wolf who had made the sound, but quickly realised it had been Jon himself.

“So, yes Jon, silks, lace, cloth of gold, satin, velvet... And jewels, of course. And a very large ruby-encrusted crown.”

A look of horror was taking over Jon’s face. She pursed her lips to keep a smile from betraying her satisfaction. “You’ll have to learn how to sing and dance, play the high harp, embroidery...”

As Sansa listed everything that would be expected of a Queen Consort in the South, she kept her eyes firmly on the courtyard below, but she could still see Jon rubbing the back of his neck.

“You’ll have to bathe in rose and lavender oils every day. You’ll have to let your maids touch your hair at least twice a day. You’ll never have a moment to yourself, you won’t be allowed to practise in the trainingyard anymore.”

She paused for dramatic effect and to let Jon process everything she just told him. She risked another glance at him. He was sweating profusely and the colour of his face was close to purple.

“The moment you set foot in the Red Keep and swear your vows, you’ll become property of the Queen and the realm, body and soul, and your life will be over.”

She reached out to cover his white knuckles with a small hand and he met her eyes. She could see the shock and confusion in his own stormy orbs. She offered him a smile he couldn’t return.

In a gentler tone she added: “I don’t want to discourage you from following your dreams, Jon, but I thought you should know… No one told me what it would be like, and I don’t want that for you. You’re family, and I care about you.”

 _Even if you are an idiot._ She squeezed his hand and strode out of the room, a small smile gracing her lips. Before she closed the door, Jon muttered to himself: “You know nothing, Jon Snow.”


	4. Stirring

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jon has an unexpected visitor in his bedroom...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A joint effort by me and kingsnow!

Jon woke up gasping, sweat dripping from his hair. There was a figure standing at the foot of his bed. Instinctively, he reached for Longclaw. The man took a step forward and Jon recognized him. He hadn't seen him since that night he'd found him in the Wolfswood.

His body had been covered in snow, but Jon had been strangely drawn to it. As in a dream, he had knelt next to him and kissed his lips. The magic in Jon's breath had brought him back to life.

He inclined his head. "Your Grace."

"Not anymore," Stannis answered.

Jon climbed out of the bed and washed his face with a cloth water from a bowl that had been put there by Sansa. He braced his hands on the table. "Why have you come here?"

"Those who've been to the other side are single-minded in their obsessions," Stannis muttered.

He shook his head. It wasn't like that for him at all. All he felt was confusion. The only time he felt any certainty was when he was in Dany's presence. There was no need to think when he was with her. It vanished as soon as she left and all his doubts returned.

He whirled around to find Stannis standing incredibly close to him. His hand grazed Jon's cheek. "Together we could be Kings"

Jon couldn't bring himself to remove Stannis' rough and calloused hand, but he knew Daenerys could come in at any moment. He could be burned to a crisp.

"But I'm just a Queen."

"Oh, Jon. What has she done to you?" Stannis' voice was rough but Jon had never felt more safe. He wanted... things.

Stannis groaned: "I will be your wolf. I will whine for you. I will be your ice, I will fire for you."

Jon's breath hitched. "Are you saying you want to be my bitch, Stannis? Dany never wants to be my bitch. She doesn't like being told what to do."

  
"I only like being told what to do when I'm naked."

Stannis carded his hand into Jon's curls. "Jon, I would never arbitrarily punish you for your kink. I will punish you when you break the law, though. And Dany too. It is our duty to kill that war criminal."

Jon knew Stannis was right, but he wasn't ready to admit it. The pull of Dany's magical pussy was still too strong.

He felt Stannis' large, warm hand travel down his chest and stomach, only stopping when he was cupping Jon's cock and balls through his long sleeping tunic. "You've forgotten who you are, Jon Snow," Stannis breathed as he started moving his hand up and down. 

"You're not a Queen, Jon. This is a King's staff. I can tell."

Jon didn't stop Stannis when he kneeled in front of him and before he realized what was happening, his length was engulfed by Stannis' lips.

Jon groaned loudly, Daenerys completely gone from his mind. Who could have known that such a thin, harsh mouth was capable of giving such sweet, warm caresses? Stannis licked and sucked diligently. He'd always been a dedicated man.

Jon's hands reached out, but found no hair to hold onto, so instead he fisted them into the fabric over Stannis' shoulders. He gripped his neck and started thrusting. "Aye," he cried out, "I'm the King and you're my bitch. I'm going to fuck your mouth and come all over your face!"

And he did. Afterwards his mind felt oddly clear. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone feels like contributing, please let us know!


	5. Blowjon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The following chapter was written by the wonderful castaliareed!

Jon was feeling extra bored going over figures and maps. Maybe learning needlework or the high harp wouldn't be so bad. No...no it would be that bad... His hand mindlessly wandered to his crotch. He wanted to think about Daenerys’ magic pussy. Instead, Stannis’s mouth flashed across is mind. Except this Stannis had hair, long auburn hair, the softest silkiest hair he ever touched. Jon thought it was curious that Stannis had hair like this. 

The door to the solar flew open. Stannis entered without so much as announcing himself. Caught in the middle of pleasuring himself, Jon rushed to pull is hand from his very hard cock. Shit!  
Jon knew that Stannis realized he was taking an afternoon wank. He demanded that Jon pull his breeches further down. Stannis dropped to his knees and took Jon’s cock in his mouth. To stunned to refuse and truly he did not want to refuse. It felt extremely amazing.  
Jon leaned his head back and closed his eyes resting his burnt hand on Stannis’s bald head. He thought it would be nice if Stannis had long silky auburn hair. That he’d quite like to pull that hair. 

He did not hear the door open, only a voice say, “Jon there is something I forgot to tell…” than a loud gasp. Sansa was staring at them, her mouth hung wide open almost as wide as Stannis’s.  
“OH...I’m...Oh my...I...oh..” she stumbled over her words.  
Stannis engrossed in Jon’s lovely cock barely noticed her.  
“Seven hells, doesn’t anyone knock in this damn castle,” Jon yelled and tried to push Stannis away.  
Stannis angrily turned to see Sansa standing just inside the doorway mouth agape. Jon started to feel the hardness leave his cock. 

“What are you staring at, Lady Lannister,” Stannis said.

At that Sansa pressed her lips into a stern frown and placed her hands on her hips, “I am not Lady Lannister,” she yelled. Jon had to admit she looked very attractive when she was yelling. He felt his cock get hard again. He usually wished she would yell more often. 

“Hmm…” Stannis said with derision. 

“And what are you doing?” Sansa asked.  
“Well, Lady of Lemoncakes, as you can see I am making a King out of your whiney former half-brother cousin.” Stannis’ replied. 

“Don’t let me stop you,” she said sticking her beautiful cute nose in the air.  
“Sansa..are you going to..just..” Jon stuttered wondering how the afternoon turned into this. 

“Stand here?” she said. Jon could hear the annoyance in her voice. “Yes! Yes, I am Jon Snow.”  
“Ahh..Sansa I really don’t think,” he wanted to say. Except he felt harder than he had ever felt in his life with Sansa standing there watching them pretending to be above it all. Gods, she's hot when she's pretending to be angry. 

“Let her, bout time she learns how to do something useful,” Stannis grumbled and turned his attention back to Jon’s amazingly still hard cock.  
“And of course you’re the best person to teach me useful things, your grace,” she replied sounding very sweet. Except, Jon knew that was her 'I think you're an idiot' voice. 

Sansa started to inch closer and placed her arms across her chest. Jon could see she was pretending not to look. Every few seconds she would glance down until finally, she did not take her eyes away. Her face went from stern disgust to wonder. Jon again leaned his head back figuring he might as well enjoy this awkward situation.

“It’s funny looking...but quite nice,” she said.  
“Oh my, how do you that..”  
“Jon, that’s a very loud groan.”

“Shut up,” Stannis yelled at her.  
“I’m sorry I have questions, your grace,” she said.  
“Women..” he grunted and returned to sucking Jon’s cock.  
“...ahh...Be nice to her,” Jon mumbled with eyes still closed. “Oh shit...that’s good...She just wants to...ahh....to learn...gods...”  
By now Sansa was kneeling next to Stannis’ to get a better look at the whole procedure. Jon opened his eyes briefly to see her there on the floor next to the King. He placed his other hand on her head to reassure her and realized how soft and silky her hair was. He began to caress her auburn waves thinking how lovely this all was. She let him, getting even closer to him and Stannis.  
He moved his hands through her hair and down her cheek. Her mouth found one of his fingers which she gingerly began to suck on. Oh gods he thought.  
Jon tried to kept from coming. He really did. But between Stannis sucking his cock and Sansa nimbling his fingers it was all really too much. “Oh it’s going to…I going to cum...”  
“What..what is going..” Sansa started to say. Stannis moved his head away. While Jon let out a groan and an explosion of cum. It went everywhere. Sansa tried to dunk as did the King. Unfortunately, they were both too late. Cum was everywhere. In Sansa’s hair, on Stannis’ doublet. Wow thought Jon that was a lot of cum. 

Huffing, Sansa stood up, “Jon now I have to go bathe before dinner.” She started to walk out but turned back to say, “Next time invite me sooner.” With that she slammed the door.  
“Women,” Stannis said.  
Jon turned to him, “You’re a jerk.”  
Stannis smiled, “Now you sound like a king.”


	6. Spermtastic magic wang

Dany was standing on the dais, addressing the Lords of the North, when suddenly Tormund Giantsbane stormed into the Great Hall.

"King Crow!" he shouted. "I heard Lady Brienne is bathing in the hot springs! You reckon I should go and ask if I can join her?"

There was a huge grin on the Wilding's face and he was waggling his eyebrows at Jaehaerys, who shook his head, smiling softly.

"You interrupted me, Ser!"

He turned to her, taking her in as if he'd never seen her before. "Har! 'Ser' she calls me! I didn't see you there, dragon lass!"

 _Dragon lass?_ _That man's nerve!_ "I am your Queen!"

Tormund took a swig from a flask he'd been holding. When he'd finished, he smacked his lips and belched loudly. "I didn't vote for you."

Laughter erupted around the Great Hall. Arya Stark put her head on the table, her hand on her stomach, trying to hold back her giggles. Bran and Sansa exchanged alarmed looks, but Dany didn't miss the glint of amusement in their eyes. Jae was chuckling quietly until he met her glare. The Starks and the Wildlings were becoming a serious issue.

"Wish me luck!" Tormund belted at Jae as he left the Hall again. Dany decided to continue her speech. The Northerners didn't seem impressed.  _It doesn't matter,_ she thought,  _I have dragons._

When the room was nearly empty, she snapped her fingers at Jae. He followed her to her rooms. "Come here and put your tongue in my cunny," she told him.

His answer was a frowny pout. "Again? When are you going to give me a blowjon, Dany? You promised!"

She rolled her eyes. Where had he gotten this blowjon idea? It wasn't as if she was completely opposed to the idea, but Jae needed to learn this was not about him.

"Are you disobeying me, Jae? I thought you enjoyed eating pussy?"

He shrugged. "I guess... Yours just tastes funny, is all."

"What do you mean? Funny?"

"Aye, sort of like brimstone."

 _What nonsense is this? My cunny tastes delicious._ "You have to stop saying 'aye', Jae. What are you? A Northerner?"

He blinked at her. "Fine, just put your thingy in my you-know-what so we can have sex and make a beautiful Targcest baby."

He shook his head. "I thought you were barren."

"I've been told you have a magic wang."

His face lit up. "I do? Little Jon is quite amazing, isn't he? I call him the Greatjon."

"You should call him little Jae."

"Whatever, Dany," he answered, shrugging again. "I need to find Ghost."

"Will you come back to me after?"

 _If you dare say you need to talk to Bran or Arya asked you to spar with her again,_ _I'll have Drogon burn you to a crisp!_

"I can't, Sansa needed help with something Stannis has been teaching her."

That wasn't so bad. Sansa was probably the least annoying of all the Starks. She'd been instructing Jae in the ways of the South. Not that she was particularly smart, but she had some experience and besides, she was hot. Perhaps Dany should spare her and make her her mistress when they left for King's Landing.

"I'll see you later then, Jae."

 


End file.
